4 Months Old!

Jordan turned four months old today! I spent so much time snapping pictures today that I almost forgot to post on here. Jordan enjoyed her 4th month birthday by finally taking 3 naps. Three good, long naps. And that should give her the chance to sleep 12 hours through the night. It won't make up for the sleep she lost this week, but it will help her get back on track in the sleep department.

It's fun to watch how Jordan continues to grow by the day. She likes to sit in her high chair and play with toys. She coos and squeals when she's having fun. There's this little green frog toy that my Aunt Trish gave Jordan that just makes her smile every time the frog ribbits. Cam keeps walking up to her and says: "Who's that happy baby?" Very cute.

An amazing thing happened when we were playing on her play mat... She tried to grab the dangly toy ball with her arm and hand. They didn't quite connect, but she got that toy into her mouth. She's obviously moving into that teething mode when everything can help her make teeth. Cam's first tooth popped out in his 5th month and Jordan is moving in that same direction. Anyway, she's bringing it all together. Her teachers thinks she's been compensating by grabbing toys with her feet. I've noticed she does a lot of playing with her feet as well... But I also remember Cam playing with his feet. So it's all developmental. Jordan's probably just playing with her feet more because it's much easier to bring her feet together than bringing her hand and arm together.

I'm a member of BabyCenter.com. It's a place I've gone to since I was pregnant with Cameron. The website sends weekly developmental emails. I've promised myself to not pay much attention to those things when it comes to Jordan's development. But yesterday I got the first developmental email that said something I know Jordan can't do yet. I'm okay with that, but I realize the inner competitor in me wants to help Jordan beat down the delay speculations. She is improving her abilities during tummy time. To me, that is a great success.

Fantastic OT day

I'm posting kind of late -- It's actually Thursday now. But I wanted to mention how Jordan rocked at OT today. We were encouraging her to try to roll onto her belly. For the first time, she really lifted up her head and helped her shoulders move. She actually moved onto her little arm and held her body up for a short time on her own. She really lifted her head up more than I've ever seen when she was on her belly.

It was exhausting for her, but she did a GREAT job. I was very proud.

Jordan's big problem is getting sleep when she's at school. There's a little girl who has a ton of energy and thinks that any noise she makes must be VERY loud. Anytime Jordan is trying to get to sleep, this little girl starts making noise and Jordan just gets upset and can't get back to sleep. No fun. She'll have to learn I guess. But in the meantime, I've had some pretty unhappy nights getting her down to bed. I'm so glad I can see her in the afternoon for a feeding or to take her to an appointment or I'd barely see her in good spririts these days.

Our first step towards a new tool

Working Randy's shift and caring for both kids in the morning is insane. I wake up early, get the dogs ready, convince Cam to get dressed and eat and then I rush to wake the baby (which kills me to do by the way), dress her, feed her, pack her into the car seat... make sure I have all the baby supplies for school, convince Cam to get into the van and get buckled up, drive to school, unload the kids and get to work before 8am is exhausting. When the alarm went off this morning, I almost fell back asleep.

That's because Cam was waking up ever hour or so... And then Jordan cried in her sleep and I rushed in... To find her sleeping again. My mommy ears were on overdrive by that point.

So once I had my day time reporters ready to go, I helped with various newsroom issues and got ready for the big part of the day: Getting Jordan to the prosthetist and get her fitted for her prosthetic.

When I got to school to feed her and take her to the office, she had just fallen asleep in her teacher's arms. Yikes. So I picked her up and she kept sleeping in my arms. That's tough to put a stop to... But she eventually started moving around enough to get a little meal in... But she cried most of her way to the office. She really needed to be in bed. Poor baby. But we got there and she was in good spirits. She smiled and cooed at Gary, the prosthetist. So he did some measurements and started wrapping up her arm. First he put a nylon sock on her arm to help make it a little easier to remove the plaster. Then he soaked the plaster and started wrapping. Jordan didn't mind at first, but as that plaster got heavier (and apparently it heats up inside when the plaster starts drying), she started really getting upset. By the end, we had a pretty good plaster mold and a very plaster-covered baby (notice the top picture).

The next step? Gary will try to create a test socket -- the part of the prosthetic that will fit Jordan's arm. He'll test it a couple of times to make sure it fits before he actually builds the real arm. We're going to do this on a pretty fast track so we can keep up with Jordan's growth and make sure she can fit into this tool. We're thinking it's going to be a three week process. Tomorrow, we return to OT after a week off and Daddy comes home tomorrow night. (Mommy is really looking forward to that!)

Coughs and sneezes

When I got to school to pick up the kids, Jordan had crusty goo under her nose and they told me she hadn't slept since 1pm. Not a good sign. Now I can hear her over the monitor coughing and sneezing.

I think I didn't do a good enough job to keep her away from her brother's cold.

I hope she can keep sleeping and get some rest. She fell asleep tonight in the most unhappy way -- All kinds of cries. It was miserable.

Tomorrow we fit her for the prosthetic. It should be interesting to cast a little baby's arm... Especially an arm that is so active at the base.

Ups and Downs

I realize it's natural to feel up and down about Jordan's arm. I spent the day at the swimming pool today with Jordan and Cam and watched all of the families and all of the children. An arm is just a piece of a body. There is so much more to my little, happy, giggly, sweet girl. So it kind of bothers me when I'm in another funk about it. It started with yesterday's comment at work. I don't know why I'm letting it affect me. I guess this just comes with the territory.

I recently hooked up with a new online community for children amputees. For the first time ever, I've had the opportunity to talk to a mom of an 11 year old girl who is a left above elbow amputee. By the way, in the amputee community, that is LAE. My girl is classified as LAE. AE - above elbow, BE - below elbow, AK - above knee... it goes on. Anyway, this mom told me they tried the prosthetic route and it never worked. And of course that gets me wondering if going the prosthetic route is even worth the pain and stress on my baby. I still believe it's worth helping her learn what these tools can do for her, but I'm starting to understand why some people go to the no-prosthetic-camp. The hand is such a sensory tool for us. When you don't have a hand, you still need whatever arm you have left to aid in your sensory needs. A prosthetic blocks that sensory information that can be gathered from the arm. For this little girl, they started prosthetics a 10 months. She advanced to a harness strap system that helped the prosthetic elbow bend, and a hand that opens and closes. Her mom told me it got to a point where the only time she wore the arm was for occupational therapy... And it became frustrating. They found that their daughter didn't really need it. They live with the attitude: "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." So I guess I'm also mourning the fact that my kid may not need a lot of the help that I'm working so hard to give her. It's confusing and I don't really know how to feel.

Another interesting thing about this group that I just found out about is there is another child in my state that is an above elbow amputee. Hopefully a parent of that child will join in on the online conversation and we might be able to meet up someday.

In time, I have accepted the fact that my little girl looks different and doesn't have to have a fake arm to complete her. But I still believe that she deserves the introduction of these tools. I guess I figured it would be a struggle, but it would offer some assistance. I worry that all the work may not actually help her. I pray that's not the case. But only time will tell.

Did she really say that?

So I was work today showing off pictures of Jordan and Cam because that is fun to do. A woman in a different part of the building where I work started talking about a photo shoot. She started saying something about using my kids in the photo shoot... when she says something like: "Oh but Jordan isn't 6 months old and her arm...." and she trailed off. Oh yeah, we can't take pictures of my daughter because of her arm. Geez. It took me a good 10 minutes to let that comment soak in.

Randy says I should get used to it. Oh well. Cameron might take part in the photo shoot. He's cute too.

You know, working in an industry that is so image conscious is kind of tough. In the TV news business, your job is to deliver information. You don't want to put anything on the air that turns the viewer's attention away from the topic. Jordan's arm would pull the viewer's attention away... Unless the video was about her arm. That's why the broadcast news industry has that underlying pretentiousness. We need the viewer to see a consistency of performance so they can pay attention to the information and not the person or people who are presenting the news. Jordan is special enough to always show a cosmetic difference. No need to hide it. But we may not be able to put her in front of a camera all the time because we won't be able to convey the intended message. In this image-conscious culture, that's not easy for me to swallow.

16 Weeks Old

My girl is getting so big. I didn't really think about the weight check they did for Jordan at Shriners. But I heard them say something about 7-point-something kilograms. I just did a conversion of what 16 pounds is in kilograms: It's 7.2 kg. That means Jordan is probably around 16 pounds. 16 pounds!!

We have Jordan's big 4 month doctor's appointment next Thursday. I look forward to seeing how she's breaking weight records. Of course, if she continues to not eat while she's at "school," she could easily lose some of that weight by next week. I'll pretend not to worry about that.

I bought Jordan a very, very sweet 2 dollar sun hat. I took a TON of pictures of her in it yesterday. I downloaded the pictures into my computer today. It's awesome. Cute kid. Fun to stare at. She was so full of smiles today. Oh -- And I got to enjoy the first true reason why a minivan is so great. After Jordan's doctor's appointment this morning, she was HUNGRY. So I put her in her car seat and started the van up to take her to school... When I realized, I was driving a portable living room. The chairs are roomy and comfy enough to pull the baby out of her car seat, turn on my iPod and feed her. Kind of cool... In a strange Mommy way.

Let the prosthetic process begin!

Today Jordan and I met with a team of doctors, our prosthetic guy and our physical therapist. We discussed what kind of prosthetic will work for Jordan and the process is now in the works. Next week, we're going to have Jordan casted for the prosthetic and that will be followed with a couple of fittings before they put her into the real thing.

We discussed all kinds of options and functions for the arm. The prosthetist talked about building the arm like the flexible neck of a lamp -- so it can bend like an elbow. He is going to be making it all up on the fly and it will be interesting to see what he comes up with. We're also going to make sure the arm can hold onto things so she can play with toys.

My biggest concern is how can we keep up with her growth and prosthetic needs while insurance chugs along so slowly. This is the most wonderful part of the conversation: The prosthetist said he'll never let insurance stop the prosthetic process. He'll even bill it as a research and development expense if he has to.

Wow.

Another sign how we are truly blessed. Jordan is so lucky to have support of this group of people. I know the therapy is making a difference. The doctors were really amazed by her improved range of motion. Our physical therapist was happy to see her moving around as well.

We did do more developmental tests and she remains low enough that we should be able to move forward with getting into the First Steps program. I'm hoping that will help me drive around down a little less.

No thank you

Yeah. I went back to work today. It's no fun to have that many days with her and then have to drop her off to school again. She didn't want to let go of our days together. She wouldn't take a bottle and didn't really care if she was gong to starve. I fed her at 8:30am and she would not eat until I returned to school at 2pm. That is 5 and a half hours between food. That blows.

Her teachers think she grew up A LOT this past week. I think that's true. She slept SO much while she was away. I figured she was growing.

Tomorrow she gets to meet again with the PM&R doctor who will hopefully write the prescription for the prosthetic. I'd really like to get things moving now that she's recognizing her arm. I'll be sure to let you all know what happens.

My photos!

I'm happy to have my camera back. I left it in the car when Randy dropped me off at Barry's house. So I finally got my Easter shots. Some of them turned out pretty darn good. I'm so happy I got one good one of the two of them in their Easter finest. Two kids is tough for good photos!

I'm exhausted. I had to grocery shop tonight... After getting home and trying to organize life a bit, I realized we had NO food to eat. No fun. So now I'm going to finally head off to bed. I'm leaving my computer on to upload a TON of pictures on my Flickr site. Enjoy the shots. I'll be sure to get titles and various descriptions for the photos soon.

Mission completed

We have returned from our Shriner's appointment... And of course the experts there think Jordan's amputation was caused by something different. It doesn't really matter to me. But they think what caused it was syndactyly - where there was some kind of vascular incident that prevented the arm from growing around 4 to 6 weeks gestation. They think her little skin tag on the end of her arm was some type of finger. We may never know. But they think she looks fantastic and healthy. We got to meet with a prosthetist and we'll probably start working with him sometime after she's 6 months old.

I consider Shriners to be a great place to help us get additional prosthetics... Like for riding a bike, swimming, climbing... Who knows.

On Thursday we're going to meet with the PM&R doctor who will hopefully give us the green light to move forward with Jordan's first prosthetic. I'm hoping it will be a tool that helps her on her belly -- her neck strength isn't up to par just yet. Hopefully that tool will help her. Only time will tell.

First Zoo Trip

Jordan got to go to the zoo for the first time... Sure she didn't realize it, but it was cool. My cousin Mike and his two oldest kids joined us at the zoo for some fun for a few hours. The challenge of the day: I left the stroller in the van when Randy went home yesterday.

I'm an idiot.

So I carried Jordan around the zoo for three hours. It was fun and Jordan was such a trooper. She slept in my arms quite a few times and smiled at strangers. She did need to eat a little -- so she can now add the zoo train on her list of places she ate with mommy.

After the big zoo trip, Jordan took a huge nap... and then went to a restaurant with her uncle and I. By the time she got home, she was fast asleep. She's going to have a big day tomorrow at Shriners. I'm nervous for some reason. Probably because it's going to be such a long day. I do look forward to meeting with more experts and get more thoughts on how to help Jordan.

Hoppy Easter

Yeah it's a pun. But I dressed my kid up in a cliche on this holiday. I couldn't help it. I didn't have a baby the last time we had a first Easter. (Cam was born the day after Easter and then he was more than one year old when we got to the next year's Easter) So this year I did it up. Jordan got presents from the Easter bunny and she seemed to actually like a couple of them. And of course, I had to buy fuzzy bunny ears to dress her up in. Sure they don't really fit and her head got a bit heavy for her to hold up. But I took pictures anyway.

It was wonderful to be able to show Jordan off to many more family and friends... It's too bad she needed so much sleep. (But she's growing, so I won't complain) She didn't get to be very social yesterday. But the rest of us had a lot of fun being silly. We're headed back to Missouri today. Then Jordan and I get to hang out at Uncle Barry's house for a day and a half. I don't really know what to expect from my trip to Shriners. Some people I've talked to say they can do wonderful things for us, others say they don't do it right. So it will be up to us to decide who is right. I'm just happy to talk to more experts... The more the merrier. I have to say though, her latest arm movements and attention to her arm make me feel like the therapy we're doing at this point is really making a difference.

Needing sleep

Jordan has had her smiles today... But she has really needed her sleep. Which is a huge bummer since we finally got to introduce her to Uncle Brett, Hunter and Lindsay. It's been wonderful to see them. It's amazing how people have gone out of their way to see Jordan and visit with us.

Of course, Jordan got even more outfits. That girl is full of style. I have to consciously make sure she wears all of the new clothes she owns. It's a bit more challenging when the weather is so warm! She's been able to wear some of her summer clothes. Thank goodness -- because I worried those clothes wouldn't fit her by the time it was hot outside. But global warming saved the day.

You know, I haven't gone out of my way to take Jordan out. I don't this it's on purpose... It mostly to make sure she gets her naps. But I haven't tried to let strangers meet her here. I should. I really feel like the more I go out in public, the more comfortable I am... And the more comfortable Jordan will feel. We're planning to attend a church full of strangers. I'm sure that will meet my stranger quota for the week.

Come to think of it... Cam hasn't been out much either. I'm just a worry wart.

More video

I just downloaded video of Jordan checking out her little arm and moving it to her face. It's very exciting. It's also exciting that she's sitting with her great-grandmother who is doing amazingly well after she was sick just last month.

I love this video thing. I'm such a geek. If this video window doesn't work, you can find the video online at the YouTube site.

Showing off

I think Jordan discovered her little arm yesterday. After weeks of exercises and playing with her little arm, yesterday she started lifting it up to her face, touching her lips with it. I was very excited. It's the smallest things that are very exciting.

She's smiling and cooing to all of the family and friends she hasn't met before as we visit Grandma and Poppy's house. She's also sleeping well... Even though she has to sleep in a room with her Daddy and I... And Daddy snores. Cameron would never sleep long when he knew someone else was in the room with him. So we have more proof of what a good girl she is.

Jordan seems to enjoy the extra attention she's getting here... But I wonder if she's getting used to extra attention. The women at her daycare give her all kinds of extra love and affection. Lucky girl.

Thumb sucking and not sleeping

Yup. That's a picture of her sucking her thumb. The girl sucks it more and more by the day. It's another thing I need to let go. I've prayed she wouldn't find the need to suck her thumb or need a pacifier. But I'm going to let it go.

What I'm not letting go well is how she's not falling asleep the way she did when she didn't go to day care. I realize I can't have everything I want when I hand my baby over to someone else's care. But I'm sad it took some crying for her to go to sleep tonight. She cried before every nap this weekend. It's just hard to watch after all the work I did before day care.

We're headed into another week... This one also includes a trip to Poppy and Grandma's house. Hopefully we'll get to see our friends the Bells. That will be very special.

Cool quote

"Our lives are not determined by what happens to us but by how we react to what happens, not by what life brings to us, but by the attitude we bring to life."
-Anonymous

The joy of failure

Jordan completed her developmental test today. She was on the edge of failure because she really doesn't have much of a range of motion when it comes to her head strength. She's really good at holding it up, but she does not like to turn her head much. It's amazing the things that happen to the body when you're missing the majority of an arm.

But, she's a sweetie. She was so exhausted yesterday. She didn't get to sleep anywhere close to what she's supposed to sleep because I had to take her to OT. Not to mention, I don't think she's used to falling asleep in a room that has a light on and has babies crying, screaming, talking, babbling and cooing almost constantly. She'll get there. The most incredible thing is how she is still sleeping through the night. She's a very, very good baby.

It's strange how we are rooting on her failing these developmental tests. The gut of my stomach is so sad. But my brain understands that this is only temporary. We're going to be able to help her live a very normal and comfortable life. But Jan, Jordan's PT says this is the perfect window to show a developmental delay. Once she's able to sit up, the delay won't be as big. And since we're trying to get into a state-run program that will only take her with a 50% delay, this is the best time. By next week, she will be able to fall into that category.

So as we fail, she is making big strides. During her OT yesterday, she could roll onto her belly if we placed her on her side. She did not show any sign of pain... So we're guessing the screams on previous tummy times were just because she was mad.

I other news, I'm going to boost my street cred as a Mommy next week when we become the owners of a minivan. Randy's parents found a deal and they're going to help us afford it. I'm touched by their kindness. We are very fortunate. And I'm going to hand off the hot rod car that is so fun to drive. I think life with the minivan will really fit our new life with two kids.

I'm happy we're finally at the weekend. Randy and I are planning to go out on a date. Our 8th anniversary was 4 days ago. So we have a babysitter coming to the house and we're going to do something. Maybe dinner. Maybe a movie. Who knows.

So Tired!

Returning to work has been nice... But running Jordan back and forth to various therapies is exhausting. I need nap time or something to get through each day. This morning Jordan slept 13 hours and was awake for an hour when our PT came by for a meeting.

Jordan was too tired to really take part in the meeting.

I got an update on the doctor who was willing to help call and find out how we can get clinical consent to enter the state program that helps with therapy. She talked to people in every level of the program... And no one will accept the possibility that Jordan needs care. Insane. So our physical therapist is very focused on testing Jordan and finding a developmental test that she would fail or at least show a 50% developmental delay.

The first test Jordan took today, she was in the 10th percentile... But needed to be in the 5th. When Jordan started the second test, she wasn't able to complete it. She was too tired. So the therapist said she'll return to our house on Saturday at a time when Jordan is in a good mood. Poor baby is exhausted.

I have a ton of meetings today and I hope I find a chance to go by school and feed Jordan at least once.

Jordan's New World

You know I'm lucky Jordan has these huge eyes and expressions and the love of cuddles. She's already getting so much love and affection from her new care takers. I drop her off late and pick her up later than most of the babies, so she gets extra one-on-one time because of that. I've spent a good amount of time in the room with the babies since Jordan started since I feed her once a day. Yesterday I analyzed what these babies can do. It's incredible what little babies learn in such a short time.

Jordan is already making friends! Okay, I'm just making friends with the babies' Mommies... But here's a picture of Jordan with her new friend Lily. Jordan and Lily don't know this, but Jordan's been wearing Lily's little baby clothes. Her Mommy has been very kind with the hand-me-downs. Anyway, it's cool to see the two of them hanging out.

This morning, Jordan woke up sleeing sideways in her crib. It's the first time she's physically changed positions in her bed. Cam would move all over the place from a very young age. I'm excited that Jordan's movement means she's starting to leverage her legs some more and get us a little closer to possibly rolling over.

We're doing OT today in the afternoon. I'll probably take her back to school after that to crash after an hour or so of exercise. That's exhausting stuff.

Daycare blues

Jordan did just fine today at school... But I'm kind of sad. I had an okay day at work, but I missed my girl.

We had another OT meeting today on campus. We are looking at ways to help Jordan with reaching out at toys... And we're thinking a little lift with the help of a hand towel may make a difference. Also, the OT grad student who is working with us plans to come to our house and visit with Jordan when our PT person is here as well. That way we can talk about what we need to help our daycare providers know about Jordan's needs. I want to make sure Jordan is getting help from everyone who cares about her.

You know, I don't think Randy saw Jordan awake once today. This going to work thing is really hard.

She was sleeping!

I stopped by school for Cam's birthday party... And I figured I'd visit her and possibly take her back to work with me.

She was sleeping.

In a swing.

I'm glad she was sleeping. I was a little stressed out about the swing thing. But I'm going to let go of that. As long as she sleeps at night, I'll be okay. I need to let go of the little things and make sure we're all happy with the big things.

Okay.

Now I'm going back to work and not dwell.

Busy for the Boy

Jordan has been sleeping non-stop until today. Her last three days at the station were not much more than major stretches of sleep. I can't complain. It gave me time to reconnect with the old job... But she was still with me. I'm including this picture of the little office where she slept. I think it was a pretty nice set-up. It was dark, kind of quiet and cool. She really seemed to enjoy sleeping in there.

Anyway. Today was Jordan's big brother's birthday. She didn't seem to act like it was an unusual day, except she pooped a lot more than most days. (I'm not sure what that means) She joined us during gift opening and the cake... But she stayed home with her grandparents while the rest of us parties at Chuck-E-Cheese. Jordan didn't mind a party hat, for a very short period of time. Juggling her feedings and hosting a big kid party was rough. Taking care of Jordan's needs and not sleeping much so I could decorate for Cam's parties... Not easy. I'm exhausted.

Kids. Isn't it amazing what you'll do for them?

I'm drained from giving every ounce of energy I have for both of them these last few days. I'm not complaining. It's worth it. Not to mention, our house is looking really clean. Another up side of preparing for a big party.

3 Months Old

She's 3 months old today! Can you imagine that. Just after she woke up from her many newsroom naps today, she met one-week-old Grace. She's a sweet, tiny little baby. My sweet, tiny baby looks HUGE next to Grace. Jordan is about 7 pounds bigger. So I took this picture. Jordan is a little further in front of Grace... But she looks Photoshopped into this picture. Randy says Jordan looks like she could eat Grace. I think Jordan is too sweet to eat any baby.

Anyway. Jordan slept a good 4 straight hours in the newsroom today. I got work done and Jordan wasn't awake long enough to really socialize with anyone. So her 3rd month birthday was spent sleeping a lot. Not a lot of partying for her just yet.

Jordan and I visited the baby room at what we have considered "Cam's school." I guess starting next week it will become "the kids' school." Anyway. I talked with the two women who take care of 6 babies each day. They sounded very willing and interesteed in Jordan and whatever extra care she may need. It made me feel better. One of the care takers told me her sister-in-law actually is a double amputee. She has below elbow amputations and uses prosthetics. So Jordan isn't really a freak of nature to her. That seemed comforting to me somehow.

Sleep, sleep and sleep in a newsroom

Jordan slept 12 and a half hours last night. That's pretty incredible. Especially when she slept in a newsroom during her naps yesterday. Anyway. She slept even more today -- small naps all day long. The down side: She kept falling asleep in my arms or in student arms instead of falling asleep in her bed. As long as we don't make that a habit, I think she'll be okay.

Since she was so rested this morning, we did some big exercises... She moved her arm extension around a bit. But she was full of smiles:


At the station, she got all kinds of love and affection. She continued to show off her very silly smile with her toungue sticking out. It was so cute, our friend and co-worker Gary wanted to smile just like her:

I helped edit a piece of video at work today -- and I still have it. I'm not quite as fast on the keyboard, but I can still use all of my editing tricks with 3 months away from that skill.

This afternoon, one of the producers and blog fans, Sarah, presented us with an amazing gift from her mom (another blog fan). She kindly made a very cool quilt for Jordan and she didn't leave Cam out -- he got a WAY cool dinosaur quilted pillow case. I'm hoping to take a couple of pictures of them in good light. Hopefully I can do that tomorrow. Thanks Patti!!!!!

Not a bad day

Jordan is comfortable in so many environments. My first day back to work wasn't too bad thanks to the girl's easy nature. I probably could have gotten more work done. I did dig out my desk a bit. I started reorganized the website's organization. I talked to a lot of people. I cooed and gurgled with Jordan. She was so good... She took 3 naps during the work day. She tolerated all kinds of people talking and holding her. She sat in her Bumbo a lot.

We all want an adult version of the Bumbo.

I tried not to feel overly dramatic as we drove to work this morning... But Jordan cried the whole way. It was like she felt the tremor in the force. But she was just tired. I found an office where she can sleep comfortably and away from some of the noisy sounds that come from the newsroom. Overall, not a bad day. I'm hoping to get more work done tomorrow if I can.

The downside of taking Jordan to work, I really couldn't focus on PT or OT work. I did a few exercises here and there... But we never had serious focus time on exercise. We'll try harder tomorrow.

Dear Jordan,

Thank you for these last 12 weeks. It's been so special to focus my life and time on you... And to share you with so many people: Family, friends, students, faculty and tons of strangers who would have never talked to me before if I didn't have you.
I have learned how deep love is. I've watched your brother turn into a gushy love bug over you. He says the sweetest things about you even when he's mad at me. Your daddy and I love you both so much it hurts. I've watched so many of your family and your new friends take all kinds of time and energy to make sure you have the very best life. I'm amazed by how many people have taken extra time to help you or find out information that will help us all understand what you need to grow.

It's amazing how much I have learned in this short time with you. I have learned acceptance, I have learned that people still stare and whisper... But most of all, I have learned that I don't care what other people think. I know you are beautiful and amazing. I can't believe you were strong enough to survive whatever happened to you in the womb. God made sure you would be with us and I know God knew we would love you and give you everything the world offers.

I have to be honest. I'm a little scared to get back to the life I led before you were born. You've changed my priorities. You've made sure I understand the importance of family. I know how my job excites me and I know I'll be happy to be back to it. But I'm scared to let go of all of the time we have been able to spend together. I know you'll be fine. But I'm jealous. I want to keep enjoying every second we've had together.

So when I wake up in the morning with you tomorrow, things will change. I don't think you'll notice it too much. I pray you don't notice. But as we venture into a working mommy's world, I hope you forgive me when I make mistakes or fall asleep. I promise to give you as much if not more love in the many years ahead.

Love,
Mommy

Exercise time

In my quest to get Jordan to move her arm around, I put her on her playmat and discovered one of the toys she was interested in hitting with her little arm. I was so excited, I grabbed the video camera and shot a little video for the first time since she was born. Now that I have an account with YouTube, I figured I'd share her arm action:

It was really exciting to see her interested in hitting and moving her little arm. Go Jordan!

Other than that, she didn't nap very well today. It could be due to her brother's constant crying and tantrums today. Who knows. She's down for the night now (I hope). We'll see how things go.

More signs that she's growing.

If you look on that diaper, you'll notice it says "2" on it. I finally gave up on the size one's... Jordan had leaked on enough outfits. So I have to shop for more diapers... Just after I bought new size 1's a week or so ago. Bad planning on my part.

Therapy time = Long nap

Poor Jordan. Now that I have some exercises to work on with her and the request to give her more belly time, Jordan is exhausted. She did not like anything I did to her this morning... It could be the fact that she slept 5 hours before bedtime last night and that threw her sleep schedule off by 40 minutes. It could be the fact that her brother threw a 5:50am tantrum and woke her up early. It could be that she just doesn't like me putting a little arm extension on or placing her on her side to stretch out and placing her on her belly to work on her upper arm strength. She's been asleep for 3 hours at this point... And she's not awake yet.

Hopefully the more we exercise, the longer she can tolerate the activity. I feel bad that we have to get her to exert so much energy, but everything we're doing will help her as she grows. Yesterday, the physical therapist said we need to work really hard now so she doesn't have to when she's older.

Now that I'm working on helping Jordan relax her shoulders... I had never noticed how high she carries them. That's probably why her shirts are always kind of loose up top instead of dropping down onto her shoulders. I thought it was a little strange... But never even thought about the possibility that she was holding her shoulders high. Poor baby. She still looks cute in her "Nobody Puts Baby in the Corner" shirt.

12 Weeks Old! A day of learning.

So I met with our new pediatric physical therapist today. I learned so much about some of the ways Jordan's little arm has affected her. First, she holds her shoulders high... So I need to help her relax and put her shoulders lower. She also curves her body to the right when she lays down. You can kind of see it in this picture that I took of her yesterday. So I need to help her center her torso out. Also, there are certain ranges in motion that she is not strong at doing -- like reaching out and up. She has some very strong motions, but there is work to be done. We're going to need to mock up something that encourages her to move her arm out to make something move. I'm planning to consult our resident MacGuyver in the family when he comes to visit for Cam's birthday.

I feel like I've started working with someone who is not intimidated by Jordan's rare amputation. She is planning to meet with us in 2 weeks and she plans to go with us when we meet with our PM&R doctor. That's when we're going to (hopefully) prescribe Jordan's first prosthetic.

The physcial therapist said she is thinking a 90 degree angle arm is something Jordan really needs before she can sit up on her own. With the arm at that angle, Jordan can wear it through the day and not have to take it off when she's not heavily supervised. At that angle, she can have something to look at when she looks over to the left... And she can roll over onto her belly without any problem with the arm already in a tummy time angle. When she starts sitting up on her own, we would move to a passive arm that curves. That's a lot of prosthetics in a year... And convincing our health insurance will be interesting. But I really don't care about that. We'll figure it out.

As for yesterday... We spent a good amount of time with an occupational therapist who appears to be really intersted in coming up with good ideas for Jordan. She took scraps of items from a hand clinic and put together this little arm tool for Jordan. I think that's really cool.

Of course today, Jordan expelled so much energy with the physical therapist, she's still sleeping (3 hours at this point). When she gets up, we'll work on the arm and some of the exercises we've talked about in OT and PT. It's kind of overwhelming when you think about all the little things we need to work on.

Jordan's first tool

My girl has a little arm... It's a temporary tool for her to work on looking and recognizing her left side. The pictures are very cool. I'm posting this pics first. I'll tell you more soon. I have to run to the grocery store first.

The circle of support grows

I started the day emailing all kinds of doctors and therapists about Jordan... And ended the day with a pediatric physical therapist who is offering care for Jordan AND a doctor who is willing to help me get Jordan into a state program that will help make sure Jordan gets all of that therapy from the best therapists without sending us into bankruptcy.

I've been talking to so many doctors and therapists... And today it feels like I finally broke into the circle of medical and therapeutic support. There appears to be a group of people who work really hard to make sure kids succeed beyond their disabilities. It feels like I finally found a way to get Jordan in that group. I also found out that when there is a need for a child, there are ways to get that care -- Even if insurance won't help. For the first time, I really think we're going to be able to give Jordan the care she needs in our hometown.

During today's doctor meeting, Jordan weighed in at 13 pounds and 10 ounces! That is really incredible. Do you realize that on February 28th she was 11 pounds 7 ounces? She's gained more than 2 pounds in less than a month. Go Jordan!! I thought she was growing out of her diapers!

By the way, Jordan did wake up once in the middle of the night last night... But she still slept pretty darn well. The strange part: Instead of falling asleep on my shoulder as I convinced her to burp... She got all upset and basically demanded I lay her down in the bed and let her fall asleep on her own. My how my baby is growing up fast.

A sleep test

Jordan and I spent the day in a class and meetings on campus. Jordan had many little naps... nothing big. When we got home, she was pooped. We'll see how it goes when she decides to wake up in the morning. She went down at 5:45pm... I'll guess I'll be up at 4:45 at the latest.

I should go to bed now. But we're watching the latest episode of 24 off of Tivo.

A good phone call

I got home from the long weekend of basketball and found a message on our voicemail from a well-known pediatric PT expert in town. She gave me wonderful tips on how to get Jordan covered under a state program that would really help us get her the therapy she needs without as many insurance struggles. It was a brief and very uplifting phone call. She'd like to meet with us this week and I hope we can find time to make that happen.

I also had a letter from Shriner's. We have our first appointment in three weeks. It's at 7 in the morning and they say it could take three to four hours for her evaluation. It should be interesting to hear what they can help us with.

Bow Head

I went shopping today. I try not to because I know I'm going to spend money that I don't have. But I really wanted to see what kind of bows the stores had to offer here. So I discovered a store with a bunch of bows. And I had to get some. Luckily, my mother-in-law was with me and jumped in to buy these sweet little baby decorations. And she added something more: A little barret with Jordan's name on it. CUTE.




She slept for three straight hours while I shopped. So the guys who were left at the house didn't have to worry about warming up a bottle. Lucky guys.

This kid can adapt

So I seem to recall back in the day... When we traveled with Cam, he couldn't sleep in other houses. It wasn't much fun at all. Today, Jordan was pretty good at holding to her sleep patterns. She napped a ton and slept 11 hours last night. She gave out all kinds of smiles and attention to folks hanging out and watching the many basketball games. Tonight, she got to bed a bit late... So we'll see how it goes.

I've been struggling with finding ways to get her to turn her head to the left. Today we found out an answer... Although I'm not sure I like it: TV. We have four televisions running at the same time. And Jordan is very interested in the many, many flashy pictures. I might have to pull out the Baby Einstein DVDs and turn her so she watches everything to her left. I'll pitch the idea at our next OT evaluation on Wednesday.

Testing the sleep process

So we're staying at the brother-in-law's house to enjoy the basketball tournament... And that means we're testing the sleep ability of Jordan. Cam never slept well in other houses when he moved into the long-stretch of sleep phase of his baby-hood. So now we'll see how the girl does. She did not like going to bed tonight in a way that wasn't our normal music, low lighting, warm and fuzzy bed time. I tried to recreate it, but it wasn't the same. Oh... And her bassinet is on top of a washer and dryer. Yeah. So she's breathing a light fume of fabric softener all night.

I took her to Babies R Us. I love that store. And I bought more dresses for her. I can't stop. I haven't bought new clothes for myself (other than a few breastfeeding tops) in years. But I can't stop buying kid clothes. It's too sweet and fun.

You know the strangest thing about blogging about your life? When you find out how many people read it. I'd say I get at least 50 hits a day on Jordan's blog. That means there are 50 or fewer people who keep up with my life. And I've noticed that means a lot of my conversations go like this: "You know the other day Jordan did (insert story here)..." The person I'm talking to says: "Oh yeah, I know. I read your blog." It's like I have to have a few side stories that don't make it on the blog so I can have conversations with my friends and acquaintances.

"You have a beautiful baby"

It took almost 11 weeks, but today a stranger walked up to me and told me I have a beautiful daughter. I have known this all along. But it was special to hear it from someone who wasn't provoked or even asked to say something to me. I was sitting having lunch with a friend while a woman just wanted to tell me what she thought about Jordan.

It seems like a minor incident for most people. But to me, it was special. No questions about her arm, no strange looks. Just a wonderful comment about my girl.

Getting serious about bottles

So I realized a couple weeks ago that Jordan wasn't picking up on bottles... And time is running out. Yesterday, I gave two of her feedings with a bottle. She wasn't really happy about it. Actually, she was really mad. But eventually after I changed the bottle type, things improved. So I thought I'd go through the same process today: pump and give her a bottle.

Today she immediately puked it all up. Very messy.

But I'm not discouraged, we're going to keep trying. The first week back to work, she's coming with me since her school doesn't have a spot open until the first week of April. So I guess I really have 2 and a half weeks left with her. I'm not ready at all to let go. I realize with all of her doctor's appointments and therapy needs, I'll be around her a lot. But the quiet Jordan and Mommy time won't be the same. It's a struggle so many working Moms and Dads face on a regular basis. I love my job. I have never loved a job before. So I'm not ready to leave it. But I'm sad to walk away from this maternity leave.

From the looks of that puke from this morning. Jordan agrees.

Who put a cat in my baby?

Jordan has started this new squeal when she's upset... I swear it sounds like a cat in heat. It's this high pitched squeal that sounds like death. She usually uses the sound when she's uncomfortable or getting really tired and can't relax quick enough. Whatever it means, it's a creepy sound. I'm hoping it phases out. She may be cute, but that sound could scare people away.

Such a trooper

Jordan got to meet folks the university's pediatric occupational therapy clinic today. She was so good. She had just waken up from her nap, had to be hungry... And yet she smiled and cooed and let the therapists bend her and analyze her without much of a fuss at all until we got to the tummy time stuff. She was incredible.

I often think she's willing to be poked and prodded without complaining is because she survived something so traumatic in the womb... Nothing's worth really complaining about.

It was interesting to see how Jordan ignores the left side of her body. I hadn't really noticed how obvious it was. I've done a few things to try to encourage her to use her left arm, but I hadn't been encouraging her to turn her head to the left. So I'm going to start working on that. I also learned how she needs to work on leaning her body to the left as well. As for the tummy time, I got a few tips on that as well.

It feels good knowing that I'm working towards solid therapy for Jordan.

Moody day

I don't know why, but Jordan didn't smile much today. Every once and a while we had a grin, but she just wanted to be held by Randy and I. I tried to let her Daddy take care of her more. I've noticed she calms to fast with me and really not with anyone else. So I did yardwork for a lot of the day. Jordan slept, ate and gave us very little attention. We tried.

Hopefully she's okay. Tomorrow's another day. You'd think with all this sleep, she'd be a little happier.

My busy brain

My brain never really shuts down. It's always thinking... It's a problem I've always had. But since Jordan was born, it's full of so many new things. I start thinking about what I need to do for both kids, the house, my marriage, my job, my health, my dogs... And I try to think of solutions to whatever is bothering me.

My feeling about my world is so different with Jordan's arrival. I used to kind of know the challenges I faced as a parent of a new baby... But I'm living in a new kind of infant world. And it's hard when there's no one else around who can say they've been there and know how to help me. I'm encouraged that the PM&R doctor that we met with this week was kind enough to give me an update via email this morning. It's Saturday. I appreciate that a lot.

The update: We have an OT appointment later this month with someone local who is interested in pediatric OT. He's still working on finding a PT. And I'm searching too. I have a few people who have connections to the PT world in St. Louis and I'm very willing to head over to Uncle Barry's house and go to appointments in or around the city. I am committed to getting the girl a prosthetic early to help her roll over... sit up... and eventually crawl. I really don't want her to skip that milestone and move directly to walking.

I'm tired, but it's not because Jordan is waking me. She is consistently sleeping at least 11 hours. I'm tired because I have the need to do things. Clean a little, search the web a little, chat online with friends, call a family member and chat. Suddenly, it's late and I still have to pump before bed (or else I wake up in the morning VERY uncomfortable). I know myself, and I don't want to run myself down when I return to work. But it will be really hard not to.

I wouldn't give up being a parent for the world. I wouldn't give up this experience with Jordan for the world. But I just wish there was a little time here or there when I could turn off my brain and get real rest.

12 Hours

Yup. Best 10 week old baby in the world. She slept 12 hours last night. That is exactly 2 hours longer than her brother. That makes me smile. I have a ton of pictures I took of her today, because I can't stop taking pictures.

Calling all pediatric PT experts!!

We need one for Jordan and we need one now! I just got back from an apppointment with a physical medicine and rehabilitation doctor in town. He and a team of people met with us in the PM&R clinic to talk about Jordan and check her out. The poor thing was hungry and tired and just not really into being in that very bright room.

So during the meeting with a bunch of people including prosthetists and doctors, Jordan got really upset. She was overstimulated and tired. So I told them she'd calm down if I fed her a little. So they all leave the room and I started feeding her. I could hear them in the hallway talking about how we don't live in the right town given the kind of therapy Jordan needs... We have to drive 2 hours to the nearest city... Or even further to Chicago. That made me sad. I want to give Jordan the best care possible... and what is possible isn't that good.

So when we continued the meeting, we poked around on Jordan a little more, but she ended up falling asleep on my shoulder. We talked about how Jordan needs PT before she gets fitted for the prosthetic... That's going to delay the fitting because there aren't many pediatric PT folks in town. The one I know about is not under my health care plan. So the doctor and our prosthetic guy are going to start calling around across the state for help. The doctor wants a month of PT before the fitting. I want a fitting ASAP. So hopefully we can get things moving... and if I have to drive all over the country, dang it, I will.

I'm a little perplexed about what to do. I know there is at least one other child in town who does not have a part of an arm... Actually I hear that child is missing both arms below the elbow. How is he or she getting proper PT? I feel like I'm treading in untouched waters and there is no guide. And I will be so upset if I do something wrong.

Kind of blah

It was a dreary looking day outside today. It started with a thunderstorm... which kind of was symbolic of my illness that roared back from Sunday. I'm not sure how I'm going to kick it.

So Jordan and I took it easy to day. We took Cam to school during an awake time for Jordan. We took naps at home. Then we picked up Cam from school during another awake time... Of course that awake time didn't last, she fell asleep on my shoulder as we walked around the hallways. You realize Cam never cuddled up and slept like that. It's pretty amazing.

Jordan has switched the way she likes to be held. She used to like to lay on her back with her body cradled by my arm. Now she likes to be up on my shoulder, preferably my left shoulder. I don't know why. Someone at school says they think it's so she can see more.

Today I tried to put Jordan in a onesie that was for 0-3 months. It didn't come close to fitting.

My little girl is getting big!!

Busy and fun day

Jordan and I had a very busy day (after she slept ELEVEN hours last night). I realize a busy day isn't new during my "maternity leave." Anyway. Jordan helped me teach a broadcast 2 class where I explained to the students how to survive their reporter shifts at the station. Jordan fell asleep in my arms at the start and didn't complain that she was hungry until the class was over and I was just talking to a couple of students. After a quick feeding, we met a group of my independent study students at a restaurant. (Jordan enjoyed a meal there) THEN we met my dear friend Liz at a different restaurant. After a wonderful conversation and Jordan got to try another new location to eat... I took her to the Missourian to meet many people there. I didn't hide her... I just showed her sweet little self off for all to see. She was cooed and hugged. I felt safe even around so many strangers. I think I've had so much support from the J-school, I'm just not worried about what people are going to say or do.

I decided to pick up Cam early from school since it seemed silly to take Jordan home for a little while just to hop back into the car to get her brother.

When we got home, we discovered Jordan's newest and coolest gift: A Bumbo. As you can see, she loves it. It's a baby chair that helps little ones sit up on their own before they're ready to really sit up on their own. Jordan was very comfortable in it and I was excited to see she's already able to use it. It says it's for 3 to 14 month old kids.

After that, I sent her off to nap with another feeding. 2 hours later and she's still sleeping. I have a feeling she may be down for the night. If that's the case, I may actually have to force myself to bed early just so I'm not so pooped when I wake up in the middle of the night to feed her.

10 hours and 45 minutes

That's right. Jordan slept for 10 hours and 45 minutes straight last night.

She loves me.

I wasn't feeling well yesterday and the long stretch of sleep really helped. I was so icky feeling, that I had to call a friend and ask her to buy me drugs. (Thanks Lynda!) The good news is the drugs helped.

Today, Jordan got to go to the university's infant cognition lab. She got to stare at a green block moving on a stage. The researchers were trying to see what actions will hold a baby's attention longer. Jordan did a good job, once she stopped staring at her feet. Apparently, those feet were really cool today. So that was fun. You can see the green block in the picture of the lab room. She got to watch the block move back and forth. The researchers say she did a good job. They gave me a CD that holds video of the experience. I'll see if I can freeze a frame of it.

So, when we got back from the lab and a quick grocery run, I got a call from the local rehabilitation clinic in town. I finally got an appointment with the physical therapist who specializes in amputees. I'm thrilled since I've been trying to reach him for the last month. It took me getting an appointment with a PM&R doctor and having him discuss Jordan's case with the other doctor. Any way, I'm thrilled we'll finally get started on PT. I'm also working with a campus clinic to help Jordan get some occupational therapy (OT). I'll go there until we can get a permanent therapist. I'm so glad things are finally rolling in the therapy department. It's the last piece of the puzzle for Jordan's care.

Going with the flow

So it looks like I didn't jinx myself. Jordan is actually sleeping 8 straight hours. She takes one food break and sleeps for another 4. We're on our way to 12 hours a night. I'm thrilled that she's following the same sleeping pattern as Cam. We'll see if we can continue this pattern when I return to work. I'm nervous about her sleeping in a day care setting. I'm nervous about getting home in time to get her to bed. I'm nervous about her figuring out bottles... Because she is so not into them. Going back to work stresses me out and I have 3 weeks left.

Anyway. Jordan is going with the flow. I took her to Cam's swim lessons today. She was so good even though it was hot and clammy in that room. I met another very nice woman who talked to me about Jordan's arm. You know I'm so fickle about this. I don't want people to stare, I want them to ask questions. But I miss having normal conversations that don't require you to really get to know the stranger standing next to you admiring your baby. You know: "Aww. Cute baby." "Thanks." And you move on. I guess I'm just getting used to living a life with a child who is a bit different. I kind of liked living in anomynity. But the more often Jordan and I go out, we will be remembered by anyone who meets us.

So that picture at the top is of Jordan during "tummy time." It's the first developmental challenge we're facing with her missing arm. I bought a toy to try and make tummy time more fun and it seems to be helping. Of course after talking to an occupational therapist, I could have just rolled up a towel and put her on a blanket. Oh well. It is a cool toy. She is a bit more comfortable on her belly and her little arm isn't as stressed.

A fact I forgot to mention

I know I'm cursing myself for writing this in the blog: But the last two nights Jordan has slept between 7 and 8 hours... Followed by 4 hours. Of course that stretch starts at 7pm and I don't get to bed until later at night. If I was smart, I'd go to bed earlier.

If only I was smart.

On our own

Randy is on a very long flight to Russia right now. And that means this week is my first time alone with both kids. It started immediately... I had a couple of meetings and I wanted to stay at home as late as possible to say good bye to Randy. So Cam, Jordan and I went off to campus together.

Anyway. Jordan is proving that she wants to eat in as many public places as possible. Today it was the Bread Co. and a classroom on campus where I was attending a meeting. It appears that she's trying to get me to feed her in as many different public locations as possible.

After some time at home and a good nap, we returned something to a store and went to a new clothing store that opened this week. As I shopped, she slept in the stroller and people cooed at her and walked on. But one woman was looking at some really cool onsies that had funny sayings. I was intrigued and looked at some of them as well. She started talking about how beautiful Jordan was and we kind of just naturally started discussing her arm. She asked questions, she was interested and didn't feel pity for her. We talked about prosthetics and how Jordan is going to do great. It was nice. I was talking to a stranger the way I want to -- openly and pleasantly. She was very nice. I should have asked her name, got her number and gone out for coffee with her someday. Oh well. Maybe another time.

I just did an amazing thing. Both kids were in bed by 7:15 tonight. Not bad.

By the way, I have a ton of pictures online at my Flickr account. And if I can buy the proper cord to connect my camera to the computer, I'll get more pictures online as well. The second cord I've purchased is not the appropriate cord... So I have to return that one and look for a third option. Oy.

2 Months Old!

Amazing. Can you believe she turned 2 months old today? It's incredible. It's also incredible that we had another warm day. It was warm enough to go to the local gardens and hang out (almost 80 degrees). You should have seen how engaged she was out in nature. We sat under a willow tree. Sure, it didn't have any leaves yet. But it was still peaceful and cool. I sang songs. We smiled at each other. She cooed, I cooed back. I shook a toy over her head. She grabbed at it a little. She smiled some more. She pooped a lot. I changed two diapers. She got to eat a little. Randy arrived with Cameron and dinner so I got to eat a little as well. You can find all kinds of pictures of Jordan's trip to the garden.

It was really nice.

It looks like both kids have the bed times of 8:00 at night. It's possible that Jordan could go to bed even earlier. I haven't worked out our life schedule to make that happen properly. She is sleeping incredibly well. Last night she slept from 5pm until 11pm. She didn't wake up again until 4:40am. She went back to bed after that until 8am. I'm a lucky Mommy.

Oh, one other Jordan story. Cameron sang the sweetest lullaby to Jordan while she slept in her stroller after our big trip to the gardens. He whispered it, so I didn't hear all of it... But it was kind of like this: "Lullaby and good night Jordan. Go to sleep little girl. When I'm at school I miss you. You are a sweet baby. Go to sleep." I almost fell on the floor. It was so sweet.